Being a Single Parent

This page is devoted to single parents everywhere. It will not cover adoption, foster care, birth children or any other issues, simply being a single parent. Later we will cover being a single parent (father) as there are differences.
We also will not be covering the reason for being a single parent as for what ever the reason the experiences are the same. We will not cover divorce, visitation of the other parent as the only issue on the table is being a single parent.
So let’s get going and see where it leads us.

I think the first question has to be “can a single parent bring up a healthy and well balanced child?

In my personal experience, I would have to say YES! Although a child needs the guidance of both a mother and father image, I do believe a single parent can be just as effective if they have the right support people in place.
If a child knows they have the guidance of the other sex, not as a parent but more as a mentor, then they are more likely to be stable in their environment.
This varies from culture to culture but in America, All children no matter what their heritage conform to our societies influence, and that is where we must place our focus.
Let me say that we must remain in control and not let others be misguided of their role in bringing up the child. There are boundaries that must be kept and not crossed, otherwise the child becomes confused and the party in the middle becomes a source of distress for the parent and child relationship.
A friend must be a friend, a grandparent a grandparent, an aunt and uncle must be an aunt and uncle, and YOU, must be the parent.
We can not be afraid to let others in to help as there are always areas the child will benefit from another’s wisdom. A child can learn to trust another and still relate to the parent as the primary caregiver, but there can never be competitiveness between the outside mentors and the parent unless the mentor is crossing the line.
Most of all, anyone becoming a mentor must keep the lines of communication open between themselves and the parent.
I will leave this subject for now, but we will close with it.

The next subject would be “the dangers of setting boundaries between parent and child.”

A child with one parent will form a different relationship with the parent, and the parent will almost always form a different relationship with the child than if it were a two parent family.
This is not deliberate but it happens like inertia, little things grow into set lifestyles and these can be very dangerous.
Here are some examples, a daughter might like to have dinner ready for her father when he returns home from work. A son might look at himself as the man of the house and handle things the father would handle if he were there.
These may sound like innocent issues and with a two parent family they are fine as the child knows there is another partner, and that partner has the ultimate responsibilities for these tasks.
Where as in a single parent home the child sees this as their role and takes on the persona of the other parent.
This leaves the child growing in confusion as to what a child’s role really is and leaves the parent venerable to having to adjust these behaviors not only for the emotional health of the child but for their own stability as there might come a day when that role will be filled by another adult.
Remember, we fall into patterns quickly and these patterns are easy to form but very difficult to repair.
Again, we will return to this subject at the end.

The next subject would be “GUILT or making up for the absent partner”.

OH!! what a mistake. No family is perfect and the more boundaries that are set (healthy boundaries), the better off the child will be.
A child will fight the very boundaries they long to have in place. A child can not handle the open and chaotic society we live in as they are far from equipped to reason all the variables. A small child will progress much better in a confined area, as the child grows the environment in which they move grows. This is how a child feels safe, yes they will fight these boundaries but they will also feel the safety of them.
It is how we set up this environment that will lead to success or failure. Here we go with another example,
A child cries every night that they do not want to go to bed.... If the bedroom is a safe haven and there are things the child relates to, once there, the child falls under the influence of it’s comfort and sameness. If you leave the room and come back five minutes later, you will see the child fast asleep, hugging their favorite toy.
It’s good to know a little black magic as this is where you can see past the obvious and into the appropriate.
This will be continued at the end.

The next subject is “dating.”

If we have followed the guidelines so far then dating is manageable. Do not start out lying as a child is smarter than we think. If you are going to date, tell the child, you have a right to a social life and by helping the child to understand the workings of dating (varies with the age of the child), you will be laying the groundwork necessary for your future.
“Never” refer to a date as Aunt or Uncle etc. always introduce the person by their proper name. Explain to the child, within reason, where you are going and when you will be back. Remember this is not the Little Man or the Little Lady of the house this is a child, Keep it that way. “Remember the Guilt rule...and do not compensate for the child’s reactions, if you do, the child learns that you feel you are doing something wrong.
You need to explain and reassure the child that they are safe and no one will replace them but there can be additions to peoples lives, there is room for love, We do not spread it around, we love differently and a child will grow up health when they grasp the concept.
Although this should go without saying, NEVER bring a date home overnight, NEVER violate the child’s space (their home) by having overnight guest, NEVER stay out all night.
These are basic concepts but we all fall victim to mistakes, remember the child is a part of a family unit, treat it with respect and honesty but remember they are a “PART” of a family unit, not the family unit.

Our next subject is moving the dating phase to a Relationship.

To be continued...